How can I stop my mother from ruining my wedding?

I get married 2008 . I love my mother but she has ideas on how the wedding should go and is taking over what sort of food we should have and opening her mouth about it and when people say they would like to come, she says they can. She does not even consult me. I wanted a small garden wedding with no more than 20 people. She has brought the number up to 60. She also will be there on the day helping me dress and telling me how to do my hair. I hate that. I want her to come. But I also want to do it my way. I know she will talk too much and embarrass me as well. She will also drink wine and take over conversations and want to be the centre of attention. I love her so much but I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it is my day. At my 21st she took over and handed everyone cake because nobody would get off their backsides and get it. I want it to be a small simple wedding but the little things she would do and the people there would drive me crazy. What can I do?

How can I stop my mother from ruining my wedding?
Tell her you appreciate her help BUT, you would like to do things your way!! I'm sure she wants whats best for you so she'll understand!! If she doesn't listen, cancel everything she ordered and replace it with the things you want!!! Good luck with that and congratulations!!:)
Reply:IF they do not get an invite they are not on the guest list.





Make sure they AND your mother know that.





Inform people the guest list WILL be small, so not everyone will be invited.





Have your hair the way YOU want it done.





Sit down and talk with your mother. Be firm and put your foot down.





FYI, even if she is paying for the wedding, she does NOT hold all of the strings. You have every right to have the wedding you want to. She can input her OPINIONS, but YOU have the final say. She is only donating money to your wedding. Some parents like to use their donations as leverage to take over your wedding.





If she isn't paying, then you definitely have a right to tell your mom that you appreciate her opinion but you and your fiance have the final say in everything that goes on.
Reply:2 options.





write up one invite with a misprinted date just for her. blame the invite people when she shows up a day late.





or





elope.
Reply:It sounds like her whole personality bothers you, not just one thing. Since its whole personality, you cannot change her. I have a few ideas how you can deal with it, though.


You can accept that this is how she is and you love her anyway, dont worry about she appears to others; everyone has obnoxious people in their family.


If you %26amp; fiance pay for the wedding, she cannot be so involved with the little details, and you can also keep the guest list small. Forget about the people your mom promised an invitation to; its her responsibility not yours. Learn to be affirmative in your decisions, ie saying "We decided to serve chicken." Case closed.


You can also encourage your mom in a positive way to participate. Give her a "job" to do and let her run with it. Maybe she could be in charge of the guest book, since she likes talking to people so much.


Tell her you want her to relax %26amp; enjoy herself, and leave the cake serving and other tasks to the professionals hired for that purpose. Sorry this is long, hope something here helped.
Reply:tell her you love her.. but just keep reminding her the way you want things..





my mom needs some reminding sometimes.. as long as you say it politely.. i think she'll understand.





she's just excited for you and wants your day to be perfect.. she just needs reminding her idea of perfect and your idea of perfect differ..
Reply:Convience people to adopt simplicity in life to live a better life!
Reply:Are you the host of this party? Or merely the guest of honor? Unless you have some sort of leverage (power of the purse, realistic threat to elope) then there isn't much you can do except cajole, beg, hound, pout, and so on.
Reply:Who is paying for this wedding? If it's her, then you will have to put up with her. If it's you, then you can do something about it.





I'd say have your own wedding with the 20 people in a garden beforehand, secretly and without your mother. Then go and have her big "me" bash.





My wedding was done my way, but I depended on my mother for help with things on the wedding day. When it came to the big day, my mother pretty much acted like it was her party and didn't help me. She told me to have my bridesmaids do it.
Reply:Well, there's one thing you fail to mention: Who is paying for your wedding?





If your mom is footing the bill for even the little garden wedding, there's not a lot you can do to stop her from "ruining" it. Sit down with her, tell her what you have in mind, and ask that she honor that. But it may come down to paying for it yourself if you want to get what you want, if you aren't already.





For example, if you are paying for the whole thing, explain to her that she has GOT to stop inviting everyone she comes across, because they won't be getting invites in the mail because you just aren't putting forth the money to have a bunch of people there you do not care to see on that day.





Now, my mom is affectionately nicknamed "Martha" because she is just like Martha Stewart. Give her a job. A part of the wedding that you just don't CARE if she makes it her own, if it keeps her out of your hair when it comes to all the other aspects you want to have some control over.





In a perfect world, she would care about the fact that you want certian things or don't want something things and stick with them because they are your special day, but honestly, we all know that just doesn't happen if you have the overbearing mother who means well (which is what your mom sounds like.)





And unfortunately, there are some things you have little or no control over. There's just not much you can do that will not hurt her feelings about getting her to not talk too much and embarrass you as well. In that situation, I would suggest putting another family member who understands your point of view and loves but understands your mother and her ways in charge of her. Ask them to help steer conversations away from topics that are likely to be uncomfortable or embarrassing, or suggest that she sample the punch (not the wine) when she's had one or two glasses.





To be fair to your mom, and to put things in perspective, when she handed everyone cake at your 21st, were they angry about it? Did they sit around rolling their eyes and thinking "Who is this pushy woman who just shoved cake at me?" I mean, yeah, it may have annoyed you, but that is almost never cause to act like she ruined your birthday by passing out the cake.





That is what a lot of people, especially people who are older than the age of about 35, consider to be "good hostessing". She probably felt it was her duty, as the hostess (whether she technically was or not) to ensure the guests were well-fed and had a good time. So it turns to her trying to entertain if she thinks she needs to, or to make sure everyone enjoyed a piece of cake. I doubt she's doing it to annoy you.





The thing is, after this one day, you will have to live with your actions for years to come. Not everyone excuses bad or hurtful behavior, intentional or otherwise, as acceptable since it's "your special day". If you flat out tell your mom that you want her to be at your wedding, but don't act like herself because she's annoying and embarrassing, that's something that could effect your relationship with her possibly for years to come.





Do what you can to get her to honor your wishes on your wedding day, while at the same time trying to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing. Having the perfect wedding is a LOT less important than coming through on the other side with your relationships intact and a great marriage.
Reply:Talk to her very openly about how you feel.


Tell her that you are not inviting more than 20 people. If she continues to insist upon inviting 60 people, tell her to fork over the money for their invites, food, wedding favors, cake and/or just do not send them an invitation.


It is VERY frustrating when you are trying to plan something like this and someone keeps imposing.


My mother, too, keeps adding people to our 'guest list' but I already todl her, I have made my 'solid guest list' and anyone not on it (all of her add ons) is not getting an invitation.
Reply:dont get married
Reply:It all depends on who's paying, really.





If your mom/parents are shelling out the bucks, that gives her more influence. It's hard to pull off "I'm an independent woman, I'm an adult, and oh by the way Mommy can I have..."





If you're a big girl who's funding her own thing, that gives you much more leverage. It's a simple word, and you can wield it with wild abandon.





"No."





Repeat as necessary.
Reply:You cant not invite her I mean she is your mom. Who is paying for the wedding? If you are then you need to say to her that you are paying for and want it your way. If she is paying for it then you need to talk to her and try to explain that this is your BIG DAY and you will take her ideas in to thought but dont have to use all her thoughts. This is your day and your husband to be. Be tough and stand up to her and take back your day. Just try to do it in a nice way. If she loves you she will back off a bit.
Reply:First of all, it's YOUR wedding, NOT hers. Who is paying for the wedding? If you are paying for it, you'll have more clout to say what goes and what doesn't. If your mom wants a big party, let her make another party on another date for all those extra people she wants to invite. You mentioned that she might drink and embarrass you; make sure who ever is serving the drinks to give her virgin ones.
Reply:Ok, so you love your mother but she's overbearing and obtrusive. Maybe her 21st birthday and wedding didn't go over so well. Maybe you should ask.





The key is being kind and just letting her know that this is a milestone in YOUR LIFE that you would like the opportunity of organizing and putting together. It's a really important event for you and if there are any issues that come about, then the responsibility falls upon your shoulders.
Reply:shes still your mother....the best thing u can do is to talk w/ ur mother....speak up!!its ur day...dont let anyone ruin ur wedding day..cheer up!!talk to her and make her understand ur situation....hve faith....goodluck!!
Reply:Hire a coordinator for the wedding. Or at least the rehearsal and ceremony day. Tell the coordinator the situation with mom. Come up with tasks for mom that you don't mind her doing that day. Have the coordinator tell her what to do. Even if she has to be a little mean to her. She can keep mom away from you!





This way, mom will be mad at the coordinator, not you!





Also, tell mom ahead of time that if she drinks too much and gets loud and starts taking over, you will have her escorted out! Then actually do it! Have an usher or groomsmen take care of her!





In my experience in situations like this, most of the time if there is a stranger there taking charge(coordinator), then people tend to behave better, because they don't want to make a scene or show their true selves in front of me.
Reply:that's tough. if it were me i wouldn't invite her. i know it's harsh but she sounds like a lame mother. your wedding is about you and your partner and if she refuses to respect that then it doesn't matter who she is she shouldn't be allowed to come.